So Why the Blog

This is a secret blog.  Nobody I know are aware that it exists.  I've had blogs before that were known (and read) by my family and friends and that's great.  Problem is what I really wanted to talk about I didn't necessarily want to have my nearest and dearest read.

Most of my friends actually have no idea that I'm a virgin.  I did tell some of them after what happened with Cruise guy (aka assclown) but some of them still have no idea.  I have a dirty mind and cover well apparently.

Dating and sex were the things I wanted the freedom to talk about about muse about.  Particularly now that I'm actually dating and (hopefully) will be ridding myself of my virginity soon.  But I don't feel comfortable having my friends reading about my masturbation habits.  Which is understandable I think.  The obvious solution was the anonymous blog!

I thought about doing this before but didn't pull the trigger.  After finding out about Cruise guy's Norwegian girlfriend I thought enough.  Enough of waiting for some loser to come to me.  Enough of thinking about someone who didn't deserve me.  Enough of thinking that we were meant to be because he was the first guy to give me an orgasm.  Its time to get out there and stop worrying.  And have some fun!  And have some sex already!

What a girl wants

We all have our list.  What we are looking for in a partner.  Some people want someone with a good job who makes buckets of money.  Some people want someone to make them laugh.  One of my friends wants someone who is comfortable with her drive and success.

What do I want?

Its changed over the years.

I want someone with a career.  I don't really care what that career is as long as its legal and respectable.  I am not a sugar mama.

I want someone who can make me laugh.  I am a moody person who can swing one way or the other at the drop of a hat sometimes.  I need someone who can recognize when I need to laugh and make that happen.

I want someone who loves me.  To hold me at night and listen to me.  I want someone who I can depend on when times get tough.  I've been in tough times and I've never really had anyone to lean on....I've been the person getting leaned on.  I don't mind doing that but it would be nice to have someone be there for me every once and awhile.

I want someone to look at me the way that my best friend's husband looks at her.  Like she's the best thing that's ever happened to him and he's the luckiest guy in the world because he's with her.

And as a bonus I'd really like him to be able to dance.  Doesn't have to be well!

Nice butt would be good too :P

Keep Hanging on

I can't seem to figure out why I hang onto the idea of a potential relationship or dating partner or whatever long past when I should just let it go.  I do eventually let it go but long after I know in my head that I should.

Case in point is D.  We're both on pof and he wrote me a little over 2 weeks ago.  We chatted back and forth on the site for a few days and it was great.  Lots in common and he seemed like a nice normal guy.  I gave him my email address to make chatting easier.  At the time he was in a different province for work so I let not meeting go until he got back here.  We continued to chat and it was still awesome.  I decided I wanted to meet him and it seemed like he would want to meet me too.

Now he did try to start conversations about cuddling, etc pretty early after I gave him my email address.  Lots of girls like the cuddling thing so I let it go really.  Then last Friday night things escalated sexually online.  I liked it so it wasn't bad or anything.  He sent me a picture of his penis but told me I didn't have to look.  I did.  He wanted me to reciprocate and instead of immediately saying no I said that I'd consider it.  Apparently that was the complete wrong thing to say.  I actually did consider it and then thought better of it.  Which I told him.  And then he was a complete dick.

Saturday morning I wrote him saying that I wasn't looking for a fling or one night stand.  That I was looking to date around and see if something leads to a relationship.  I even told him I was a virgin although I have fooled around a little.  A very little.  I figured I'd put it all out there and see if he came back.  He did which I took to be a good sign.

He came home last Sunday.  We chatted on Sunday night and he was complaining about being lonely.  He bemoaned other girls that have stood him up in the past.  He told me a little about his relationship and sexual past.  It seemed to be going ok.  Then he asked me if I was lazy in bed.  And how good I am at giving head.

WTF! 

We were having a sensible conversation that somehow got steared that way.  I once again told him I wasn't interested in a fling, one night stand, blah blah.

Then he said we were having too many misunderstandings and bickering to probably have anything.  I said you don't know unless you meet me and that I'm not the type of girl to jerk guys around.  Then he brought up the picture....again.  I said that he can either meet me or not and that I was sorry about that.

It was one bloody misunderstanding.  My take is that I'm afraid that a guy is only interested in sex (particularly online guys) and he's been hurt in the past.  Ugh.

He did write me once since then.  I wrote him back but nothing since then.  Ass.  I know I made mistakes and its all a learning process but damn I wanted to meet this guy.  We did have lots in common and I think we would have gotten along well.

My head is telling me to move on but my heart is saying wait a little longer.

What was he thinking!

Just on pof and saw this profile...its too funny not to share.

Username:  Cumstain
Title:  I'm what perfection strives to me
Profession: chronic masturbater

About Me
i like stuff, some stuff is more fun than other stuff. i'm more interested in the funner stuff because i likes to have fun. I'm also prone to crying, i'm too sensitive for my own good and people end up making fun of me for it and that makes me cry even more. the cycle continues forever :'(

First Date
i'd probably get tight in the pants really quickly and be done before you even know it.


I don't think I'm going to respond to this one...

10 Things I Love

1.  My hair.  I'm a ginger and wouldn't want to be anything else :)
2.  My butt.  I've worked damn hard for my bum.  Those squats and lunges weren't for nothing!
3.  My brain.  I'm smart and I'm a geek.  If a guy can't deal he can gtf.
4.  Dancing.  I live to dance and random dancing is common at my house.
5.  Burlesque.  Yes its a type of dancing but its a new activity I'm doing and its great.  Getting more in touch with my sexy self.
6.  Star Trek.  I did mention I'm a geek...
7.  ONTD.  The celebrities are disposable.  The gossip is priceless.  ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com
8.  My friends.  They are seriously the best bunch of people.
9.  My mom.  Corny but without her support I don't know where I'd me
10.  MYSELF!  Really if I don't love me...who else will?

The Body

Its an unsettling feeling to get more attention from men after losing a great deal of weight.   It shouldn't surprise me but somehow it just confirms what I thought all along.  And it saddens me.

Over the years I've been up and down with my weight but I've never been what one would consider skinny.  My first dabble in Weight Watchers was for my prom when the biggest size available in the dress I wanted was a 14.  It fit but I was squeezed in so I lost 10-15 lbs in time for prom.

Then I gained it back.  Plus more (of course!)

I got serious about losing weight after I finished my first degree.  I had 4 months between finishing and starting a job so I had time to cook and exercise.  I got down to about 155lbs and a size 10.  Not bad!  I felt great.  And I actually kept it off for a few years.

Then I had the year from hell and gained it back.  Plus more.  Surprise!

I lost weight again when I met J.  Him and I were friends but I was attracted to him like mad.  I think it was the guitar/singing things...he played for me all the time when we were alone.  Nothing ever happened.  But I was too nervous to eat and actually lost 30lbs without trying.

Of course I gained it back.

3 years ago I started on the path again.  I started a regular exercise class, started running and eating right.  Its been a slow process but I've gone from around 215 to 160.  I have clothes in my closet that are a size 8!  Never thought that would happen.

Which brings me back around to men.  I've noticed I definitely get more looks when I go out now then I did before.  Its flattering but unsettling as I'm the same person.  My inside self hasn't changed.  I still like video games, Star Trek, having random dance parties and playing board games.   I'm still a ginger.

But I guess I can enjoy the attention.  My body isn't perfect but I've worked hard to get it. :)

Some people's youngsters!

So I was chatting to Mr Penis pic again last night.  I told him on Sat morning that I wasn't some skank who was just going to sleep with him and I was looking to date around right now and would like a relationship to develop with someone (not necessarily him).  He wrote me after so I went with it.

He was complaining about being lonely.  That nobody picked him up at the airport, that he had to eat alone and basically that he was lonely.  He told me that his mother gave him the brush off when he was home. I felt bad for him.

I think this is his game.

Somehow things got around to sex....again.  He told me that I should know that even though he hasn't had a girlfriend in the last 6 years he has dated and had sex.  He estimated around 15 girls in that time.  I said that the past is the past as long as he's clean.  I thought it was good that he shared this information.  Its stuff one should know really.

Then he asked me how good I was at giving head.  Yes I'm serious.  I replied that I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand.  Then he got defensive.  I said that I didn't want the first guy I slept with to take off right after.  He knows I'm a virgin.  Once again he was defensive and again brought up that he thought I was going to send him some boobie shots after he sent me his penis shot.  I already apologized for that misunderstanding.  He thinks there have been too many misunderstandings (really its just the one that keeps happening).  I told him that online communication is made for misunderstandings and either take a chance and meet me or that;s it.

Verdict is that he wants to get in my pants.

I might let him yet....the picture was impressive.  And I need this cherry popped already.

Blunt Honesty

So I met this one guy online that I really kinda liked.  We had the same interests and I really really want to meet him.  Or I did anyways.

We've been chatting online all week.  He's been away all week for work.  A few days after we started chatting he started talking about cuddling, etc and I wasn't comfortable talking like that to someone I didn't really know.  Which I told him.  I'm not sure if he got the reason or not.  He said that he was basically tired of girls who weren't interested in him physically.  I think he's been burned by the friend zone before.

Last night things went a little too far.  Our conversation got extremely heated.  Extremely.  He sent a photo.  I did not reciprocate.  Unfortunately by saying I was considering it I was teasing and leading him on.  I said I just wasn't comfortable sending that type of photo to someone I didn't know.

Today I was as blunt and honest as I could be.  I told him that I have very little experience, I was burned by someone who only wanted to fool around before and that I was a virgin.  He seemed to be alright with that.  I also told him that I wasn't a skank and wasn't looking for a one night stand or a fling.  He clarified that I was looking for a 1 on 1 relationship.  I said for now I'm looking to date but eventually that's what I want with somebody.

I haven't heard from him since.

I think I was right and he was looking for sex.  Which is too bad really.  The picture he sent me certainly turned this girl on.  But that's not the type of thing I want.  I have too much respect for myself to sleep with any dude.  If I wanted to just have sex I could pick someone up downtown.

Don't be late

The first meeting

The first time you meet someone for coffee, dinner, whatever is very important.  It gives that first impression and sometimes first impressions can be hard to change.

The guy I had a date with yesterday gave a very bad first impression.

I met this guy online (pof) and after a few messages he manned up an asked me out.  We had plans to meet at a local coffee place at 3pm.  He texted me at 2:45 to change the place as he liked the coffee better somewhere else.  He could have mentioned that in the morning when we made the plans but ok.  I was there a little before 3 when he texted that he was going to be 15 minutes late but apparently had a very good reason.  hmmm.

Then he told me what he was wearing and what car he was driving.  Makes sense.  Then he asked me what I was wearing...and what kind of car I was driving.  What I'm wearing makes sense...the car thing...not so much.

I had to go to the bank anyways so I went while I was waiting.  During this time he asked if I had kids.  And if I wanted kids.  Dude...you do not know me.  Do not ask those questions.  What the hell!  At least meet me first.  That and I clearly answer both of those questions on my profile which apparently you did not take the time to look at.  I'm guessing he looked at the pic and that was it.

Went back to the coffee place.  By this time he texted that he was going to be at least another 5 minutes late.  I decided that if I got through the line and he still wasn't there I was out of there.  But I was getting the coffee.

And so I left.  After 25 minutes.  He gave me no explanation but was really sorry.  He wanted to go feed ducks with me today. 

No dice dude.  You had your chance and blew it.

Online Dating

I heard the other day that 1 in 5 relationships now start online.

Problem is where I live there really is only one online dating option - plenty of fish or pof.  Which is sketchy.  Probably because its free.

I tried eHarmony a few months ago.  A friend of mine in Toronto is trying it and she gets like 20 matches a day.  You can get matched for free so I thought what the heck.  I at least wanted to see if its worthwhile in my small neck of the woods.

The verdict was no.  I got 5-10 matches a day and after about 5 days I was getting no matches with 1000 miles from where I live.  And I am not a long distance girl (see the previous post for my feelings on that).  Thank god I didn't pay!

So its back to pof for me!  I do know successful relationships and marriages that have come from the site.  I was maid of honor at a pof wedding last fall.  So it does work but you have to be careful and picky.  I might want to get it on but I'd at least like them to stay around for awhile after.  No bail immediately.  I know people who've had that experience with pof as well.

This time I'm giving it an honest try.  Unlike a few months ago when the only reason I was on there was to see how often the assclown was on there.  This went on for 2 months before I finally got the hint.  Well not really as his disinterest in a relationship was said to my face.

Good news is I already have a date for next week!  Yeah me!

The Long Distance Relationship

To me there are 2 types of long distance relationships - those that make sense and those that are just an excuse not to have a real relationship.  I know people who've been in both.

The long distance relationship that makes sense is where 2 people have been together for a little while (enough to have some sort of commitment) and are faced with a separation of a determined time (few months or a year).  The separation could be because of school or work or family commitments. 

My best friend J met her now husband when they were still in University - in 2 different cities.  They had summers, breaks and holidays together but were separated while they were in school - a couple months at a time.  But they already had a commitment when they started the long distance thing and knew they would eventually be in the same city.  Now they're married.

Ditto for my friend S.  Her now husband would go away for 4 month intervals for work terms while they were dating.  Once again they already knew each enough and it was for a short enough time that it wasn't a big deal.

The other type of ldr is the one that doesn't make sense at all.  2 people in different places enter into it without hardly knowing each other at all.  Either they meet online or during one of the pair's brief vacation.  Sometimes it can work but most times its just avoiding a real relationship with someone who is actually available. 

I know a guy A who lives in Canada who met a girl from Germany while she was here visiting with one of his friends.  I'm sure they were attracted to each other but with that kind of distance it would be hard to actually have a long lasting relationship.  There were a couple of expensive visits and then it fizzled out.

A girl C is famous for them.  I think its because she;s not over her first long term relationship (of about 7 years).  He cheated on her and is now engaged to the person he cheated on her with.  So she has been in a strong of ldr and she has no intention of ever moving.  And these guys work in professions where it would make no sense for them to move to her.  So the relationship are doomed to failure.

That brings me to my assclown.  He lives in Canada yet now has a ldr (with someone he barely knows) with a girl on a different continent.  And this is apparently not the first time he's done that.  He might not even be aware that he's avoiding a real relationship.

This girl knows one thing about any future relationships - they better be spending the vast majority of their time at least living in the same city as me.

The Block

I was told this months ago but a co-worker that when faced with hurt the best thing to do is cut that person out of your life.  In this age of social media that can be harder than ever.  Your friends with them (and their friends) on facebook, you follow them on twitter and they are on your gchat (or msn or whatever).  It so easy to continue to hold onto the past by looking at what they are doing and wondering if they are thinking about you.

You have to do the block.


Delete their number from your cell phone.  Delete all the messages.  Block their facebook and you don't have to see their name.  Block some of their friends if that's what it takes.  Block them on gchat or msn or whatever.  Do whatever it takes.  Don't be friends with them.

I think it was easier back in the day when the only way to find out what someone was up to was from their friends.  I hang onto past hurts.  I still remember things people did to me years ago.  That is not healthy.  I read a quote on facebook today that if someone hurts you just smile and thank them for the opportunity to meet someone better.

Self Esteem

Its no secret that many women suffer from self esteem issues.  It seems we never grow out of being teenagers in some respects.  I've always had bad self esteem.  I was the fat kid in school with the red hair and glasses that got good grades.  And I was awkward as hell.  Needless to say I wasn't invited to many parties.  In Jr High my so called best friend wouldn't even talk to me in school!  I did have awesome friends in High School but we were far from the "in-crowd".


Throughout my life I've never thought that any man would be attracted to me.  I always thought all my friends were prettier than me, smarter than me and sexier than me.  Why would anyone want me? So I never really tried to meet men.  And I missed out on some opportunities.  There was one guy in particular who looking back was totally into me.  When all my friends (and him) would go skating he's find a way to hold my hand.  And he would always tickle my neck and things like that.  But my friends all said he was interested in a different friend and I of course believed them.  Because of course she was so much prettier than I was.  Bullshit.  He was into me.  Then he moved away and that was that.  He's married now with 2 cute kids.

Maybe that's why I let myself get used.  I've always been too smart for that with guys before but this was a friend of a friend and I didn't think he'd do that.  Wrong.  Knowing the kind of guy he really is though is helping and not hurting.  I know I deserve better than that.  Hell even he said I deserved more than him for my first time.  I was too caught up with thinking I was in love and that this was my last chance to really listen to what my gut was telling me.  Except of course for "holy crap this guy wants me!".

My self esteem has taken an unwanted beating over the past few months.  I lost my job in addition to everything else.  But I think I'm being healed.  Concentrating on all the wonderful people in my life (and there are quite a few!).  And on a fresh new start where anything is possible.  Its not too late for me. 

Cause "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Rehash the recent past

A year ago I got myself entangled with a real assclown.  He's a friend of a friend.  I met him a few times last fall and I can't lie...I felt butterflies.   I was definitely attracted to him.  My friends said he seemed attracted to me as well.  But he lived in a different city and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.

Then our mutual friends got married.  On a cruise.  And asked us both to go.  And share a room.  We both said yes and it was a bad idea (so very bad).  We got along great, spend loads of time together, flirted, danced closely and had a ball.  He also instigated a pillow fight one morning which lead to cuddling on the floor which lead to us making out for hours and me somehow loosing my shirt.

In the midst of the making out I told him that I was a virgin.  Seemed like the thing to do at the time.  Be honest.  He then wouldn't have sex with me.  Said I deserved more (which is true).  Course the next morning and the next night (the last night of the vacation) we fooled around more.  Still no sex...unless oral counts.  First time I'd done that too.

We said good-bye the next day and I basically cried the whole way home.  I imagined myself in love with him.  I wanted to be with him.  And I stupidly thought he wanted to be with me too.

For the next 3 months we chatted online (red flag) just about every day.  After 2 months I found out that he had been accepted to medical school in the same town I live in.  My excitement was tempered by the way I discovered it...on his newly created plenty of fish profile (red flag).  Yet I had a profile too.  And we still chatted everyday.  I decided to wait until I

Looking back I should have known better.  I certainly would have told friends to forget him.  And that little voice inside me was telling me to forget him.  I didn't listen.

He finally moved home a few days before my birthday.  He came to my birthday party (late...red flag).  He asked myself and our mutual friends to go camping.  He asked me to help shop for the tent we shared.  We flirted.  He helped me shop for some camping gear later that week and once again we flirted, were playful, random touching.  I thought he might kiss me...instead I he told me he wasn't interested in anything but being friends.

No...we can't be friends.  I didn't slam the door right away although I claimed to.  I told him the next day (in person) that I needed space to get over how I felt and if he cared at all he'd leave me alone.  I asked him why it happened in the first place and he said we were having fun, flirting, getting along and got caught up in feelings and hormones.  He said he didn't see us being long term and basically that I deserved more.  I didn't talk to him for weeks but then opened the door a little.  I asked him about how school was going every once and awhile.  Nothing big.  We were at the wedding of other mutual friends and at the same table.  Nothing big happened but we were a little flirty.   And the male half of the couple we went camping with kept making comments to me about how I should go home with him and how we danced so well together.  He even drove myself and the camping couple home.  I thought ok...I could be friends with him.

A week later I found out from the male half of the camping couple that this assclown has a girlfriend.  That he barely knows.  Who lives on the other side of the ocean.

Game.  Set.  Match.  The door is firmly closed.  He is blocked on everything I could block him on.  I don't want to see his name or hear it. 

My camping friends (particularly the male) warned me constantly that this guy was messed up with relationships.   He picks girls who are moving away or live away.  Girls he can't have a real relationship with.  He quits jobs just because he hates them without any backup.  He needs someone elses advice to pick out clothes.  Commitment phobe anyone.

I'm done with his game.  He made me feel used.  I should have trusted my own judgement.  I do not intend on settling.  Thank god he was not my first.

The story so far....

So I'm 34...and I'm a virgin.  I'm considered pretty, smart, sexy and funny.  I don't have scales or warts or anything repelling.  I'm a red head.  Yet I'm never done the nasty.


No I'm not a prude either.  The times I have made out with guys I enjoyed it.  I'm not ashamed of my body (I worked damn hard at it the past 3 years).  I watch porn.  I pleasure myself....pretty regularly.  Yet I've never had sex.


Why?  I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship and I can't seem to find a guy to have a committed relationship with.  Simple enough right?  Frustrating...hell ya.  Back in my early 20s when most of my peers were partying and meeting guys I had other things to deal with.  First was my dad being sick and then passing away leaving me as my mom's only support.  Then there was school and I was pretty serious about school.  Then I had a friend who didn't like going out.  And who had me thinking that I couldn't make friends let alone have a guy.


I've decided that I need help...serious help.  I have trouble meeting men and if I do meet one I'm attracted to I turn redder than Rudolph.