The first meeting
The first time you meet someone for coffee, dinner, whatever is very important. It gives that first impression and sometimes first impressions can be hard to change.
The guy I had a date with yesterday gave a very bad first impression.
I met this guy online (pof) and after a few messages he manned up an asked me out. We had plans to meet at a local coffee place at 3pm. He texted me at 2:45 to change the place as he liked the coffee better somewhere else. He could have mentioned that in the morning when we made the plans but ok. I was there a little before 3 when he texted that he was going to be 15 minutes late but apparently had a very good reason. hmmm.
Then he told me what he was wearing and what car he was driving. Makes sense. Then he asked me what I was wearing...and what kind of car I was driving. What I'm wearing makes sense...the car thing...not so much.
I had to go to the bank anyways so I went while I was waiting. During this time he asked if I had kids. And if I wanted kids. Dude...you do not know me. Do not ask those questions. What the hell! At least meet me first. That and I clearly answer both of those questions on my profile which apparently you did not take the time to look at. I'm guessing he looked at the pic and that was it.
Went back to the coffee place. By this time he texted that he was going to be at least another 5 minutes late. I decided that if I got through the line and he still wasn't there I was out of there. But I was getting the coffee.
And so I left. After 25 minutes. He gave me no explanation but was really sorry. He wanted to go feed ducks with me today.
No dice dude. You had your chance and blew it.
Sunday 30 October 2011
Friday 28 October 2011
Online Dating
I heard the other day that 1 in 5 relationships now start online.
Problem is where I live there really is only one online dating option - plenty of fish or pof. Which is sketchy. Probably because its free.
I tried eHarmony a few months ago. A friend of mine in Toronto is trying it and she gets like 20 matches a day. You can get matched for free so I thought what the heck. I at least wanted to see if its worthwhile in my small neck of the woods.
The verdict was no. I got 5-10 matches a day and after about 5 days I was getting no matches with 1000 miles from where I live. And I am not a long distance girl (see the previous post for my feelings on that). Thank god I didn't pay!
So its back to pof for me! I do know successful relationships and marriages that have come from the site. I was maid of honor at a pof wedding last fall. So it does work but you have to be careful and picky. I might want to get it on but I'd at least like them to stay around for awhile after. No bail immediately. I know people who've had that experience with pof as well.
This time I'm giving it an honest try. Unlike a few months ago when the only reason I was on there was to see how often the assclown was on there. This went on for 2 months before I finally got the hint. Well not really as his disinterest in a relationship was said to my face.
Good news is I already have a date for next week! Yeah me!
Problem is where I live there really is only one online dating option - plenty of fish or pof. Which is sketchy. Probably because its free.
I tried eHarmony a few months ago. A friend of mine in Toronto is trying it and she gets like 20 matches a day. You can get matched for free so I thought what the heck. I at least wanted to see if its worthwhile in my small neck of the woods.
The verdict was no. I got 5-10 matches a day and after about 5 days I was getting no matches with 1000 miles from where I live. And I am not a long distance girl (see the previous post for my feelings on that). Thank god I didn't pay!
So its back to pof for me! I do know successful relationships and marriages that have come from the site. I was maid of honor at a pof wedding last fall. So it does work but you have to be careful and picky. I might want to get it on but I'd at least like them to stay around for awhile after. No bail immediately. I know people who've had that experience with pof as well.
This time I'm giving it an honest try. Unlike a few months ago when the only reason I was on there was to see how often the assclown was on there. This went on for 2 months before I finally got the hint. Well not really as his disinterest in a relationship was said to my face.
Good news is I already have a date for next week! Yeah me!
Thursday 27 October 2011
The Long Distance Relationship
To me there are 2 types of long distance relationships - those that make sense and those that are just an excuse not to have a real relationship. I know people who've been in both.
The long distance relationship that makes sense is where 2 people have been together for a little while (enough to have some sort of commitment) and are faced with a separation of a determined time (few months or a year). The separation could be because of school or work or family commitments.
My best friend J met her now husband when they were still in University - in 2 different cities. They had summers, breaks and holidays together but were separated while they were in school - a couple months at a time. But they already had a commitment when they started the long distance thing and knew they would eventually be in the same city. Now they're married.
Ditto for my friend S. Her now husband would go away for 4 month intervals for work terms while they were dating. Once again they already knew each enough and it was for a short enough time that it wasn't a big deal.
The other type of ldr is the one that doesn't make sense at all. 2 people in different places enter into it without hardly knowing each other at all. Either they meet online or during one of the pair's brief vacation. Sometimes it can work but most times its just avoiding a real relationship with someone who is actually available.
I know a guy A who lives in Canada who met a girl from Germany while she was here visiting with one of his friends. I'm sure they were attracted to each other but with that kind of distance it would be hard to actually have a long lasting relationship. There were a couple of expensive visits and then it fizzled out.
A girl C is famous for them. I think its because she;s not over her first long term relationship (of about 7 years). He cheated on her and is now engaged to the person he cheated on her with. So she has been in a strong of ldr and she has no intention of ever moving. And these guys work in professions where it would make no sense for them to move to her. So the relationship are doomed to failure.
That brings me to my assclown. He lives in Canada yet now has a ldr (with someone he barely knows) with a girl on a different continent. And this is apparently not the first time he's done that. He might not even be aware that he's avoiding a real relationship.
This girl knows one thing about any future relationships - they better be spending the vast majority of their time at least living in the same city as me.
The long distance relationship that makes sense is where 2 people have been together for a little while (enough to have some sort of commitment) and are faced with a separation of a determined time (few months or a year). The separation could be because of school or work or family commitments.
My best friend J met her now husband when they were still in University - in 2 different cities. They had summers, breaks and holidays together but were separated while they were in school - a couple months at a time. But they already had a commitment when they started the long distance thing and knew they would eventually be in the same city. Now they're married.
Ditto for my friend S. Her now husband would go away for 4 month intervals for work terms while they were dating. Once again they already knew each enough and it was for a short enough time that it wasn't a big deal.
The other type of ldr is the one that doesn't make sense at all. 2 people in different places enter into it without hardly knowing each other at all. Either they meet online or during one of the pair's brief vacation. Sometimes it can work but most times its just avoiding a real relationship with someone who is actually available.
I know a guy A who lives in Canada who met a girl from Germany while she was here visiting with one of his friends. I'm sure they were attracted to each other but with that kind of distance it would be hard to actually have a long lasting relationship. There were a couple of expensive visits and then it fizzled out.
A girl C is famous for them. I think its because she;s not over her first long term relationship (of about 7 years). He cheated on her and is now engaged to the person he cheated on her with. So she has been in a strong of ldr and she has no intention of ever moving. And these guys work in professions where it would make no sense for them to move to her. So the relationship are doomed to failure.
That brings me to my assclown. He lives in Canada yet now has a ldr (with someone he barely knows) with a girl on a different continent. And this is apparently not the first time he's done that. He might not even be aware that he's avoiding a real relationship.
This girl knows one thing about any future relationships - they better be spending the vast majority of their time at least living in the same city as me.
Wednesday 26 October 2011
The Block
I was told this months ago but a co-worker that when faced with hurt the best thing to do is cut that person out of your life. In this age of social media that can be harder than ever. Your friends with them (and their friends) on facebook, you follow them on twitter and they are on your gchat (or msn or whatever). It so easy to continue to hold onto the past by looking at what they are doing and wondering if they are thinking about you.
You have to do the block.
Delete their number from your cell phone. Delete all the messages. Block their facebook and you don't have to see their name. Block some of their friends if that's what it takes. Block them on gchat or msn or whatever. Do whatever it takes. Don't be friends with them.
I think it was easier back in the day when the only way to find out what someone was up to was from their friends. I hang onto past hurts. I still remember things people did to me years ago. That is not healthy. I read a quote on facebook today that if someone hurts you just smile and thank them for the opportunity to meet someone better.
You have to do the block.
Delete their number from your cell phone. Delete all the messages. Block their facebook and you don't have to see their name. Block some of their friends if that's what it takes. Block them on gchat or msn or whatever. Do whatever it takes. Don't be friends with them.
I think it was easier back in the day when the only way to find out what someone was up to was from their friends. I hang onto past hurts. I still remember things people did to me years ago. That is not healthy. I read a quote on facebook today that if someone hurts you just smile and thank them for the opportunity to meet someone better.
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Self Esteem
Its no secret that many women suffer from self esteem issues. It seems we never grow out of being teenagers in some respects. I've always had bad self esteem. I was the fat kid in school with the red hair and glasses that got good grades. And I was awkward as hell. Needless to say I wasn't invited to many parties. In Jr High my so called best friend wouldn't even talk to me in school! I did have awesome friends in High School but we were far from the "in-crowd".
Throughout my life I've never thought that any man would be attracted to me. I always thought all my friends were prettier than me, smarter than me and sexier than me. Why would anyone want me? So I never really tried to meet men. And I missed out on some opportunities. There was one guy in particular who looking back was totally into me. When all my friends (and him) would go skating he's find a way to hold my hand. And he would always tickle my neck and things like that. But my friends all said he was interested in a different friend and I of course believed them. Because of course she was so much prettier than I was. Bullshit. He was into me. Then he moved away and that was that. He's married now with 2 cute kids.
Maybe that's why I let myself get used. I've always been too smart for that with guys before but this was a friend of a friend and I didn't think he'd do that. Wrong. Knowing the kind of guy he really is though is helping and not hurting. I know I deserve better than that. Hell even he said I deserved more than him for my first time. I was too caught up with thinking I was in love and that this was my last chance to really listen to what my gut was telling me. Except of course for "holy crap this guy wants me!".
My self esteem has taken an unwanted beating over the past few months. I lost my job in addition to everything else. But I think I'm being healed. Concentrating on all the wonderful people in my life (and there are quite a few!). And on a fresh new start where anything is possible. Its not too late for me.
Cause "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Throughout my life I've never thought that any man would be attracted to me. I always thought all my friends were prettier than me, smarter than me and sexier than me. Why would anyone want me? So I never really tried to meet men. And I missed out on some opportunities. There was one guy in particular who looking back was totally into me. When all my friends (and him) would go skating he's find a way to hold my hand. And he would always tickle my neck and things like that. But my friends all said he was interested in a different friend and I of course believed them. Because of course she was so much prettier than I was. Bullshit. He was into me. Then he moved away and that was that. He's married now with 2 cute kids.
Maybe that's why I let myself get used. I've always been too smart for that with guys before but this was a friend of a friend and I didn't think he'd do that. Wrong. Knowing the kind of guy he really is though is helping and not hurting. I know I deserve better than that. Hell even he said I deserved more than him for my first time. I was too caught up with thinking I was in love and that this was my last chance to really listen to what my gut was telling me. Except of course for "holy crap this guy wants me!".
My self esteem has taken an unwanted beating over the past few months. I lost my job in addition to everything else. But I think I'm being healed. Concentrating on all the wonderful people in my life (and there are quite a few!). And on a fresh new start where anything is possible. Its not too late for me.
Cause "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Monday 24 October 2011
Rehash the recent past
A year ago I got myself entangled with a real assclown. He's a friend of a friend. I met him a few times last fall and I can't lie...I felt butterflies. I was definitely attracted to him. My friends said he seemed attracted to me as well. But he lived in a different city and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.
Then our mutual friends got married. On a cruise. And asked us both to go. And share a room. We both said yes and it was a bad idea (so very bad). We got along great, spend loads of time together, flirted, danced closely and had a ball. He also instigated a pillow fight one morning which lead to cuddling on the floor which lead to us making out for hours and me somehow loosing my shirt.
In the midst of the making out I told him that I was a virgin. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. Be honest. He then wouldn't have sex with me. Said I deserved more (which is true). Course the next morning and the next night (the last night of the vacation) we fooled around more. Still no sex...unless oral counts. First time I'd done that too.
We said good-bye the next day and I basically cried the whole way home. I imagined myself in love with him. I wanted to be with him. And I stupidly thought he wanted to be with me too.
For the next 3 months we chatted online (red flag) just about every day. After 2 months I found out that he had been accepted to medical school in the same town I live in. My excitement was tempered by the way I discovered it...on his newly created plenty of fish profile (red flag). Yet I had a profile too. And we still chatted everyday. I decided to wait until I
Looking back I should have known better. I certainly would have told friends to forget him. And that little voice inside me was telling me to forget him. I didn't listen.
He finally moved home a few days before my birthday. He came to my birthday party (late...red flag). He asked myself and our mutual friends to go camping. He asked me to help shop for the tent we shared. We flirted. He helped me shop for some camping gear later that week and once again we flirted, were playful, random touching. I thought he might kiss me...instead I he told me he wasn't interested in anything but being friends.
No...we can't be friends. I didn't slam the door right away although I claimed to. I told him the next day (in person) that I needed space to get over how I felt and if he cared at all he'd leave me alone. I asked him why it happened in the first place and he said we were having fun, flirting, getting along and got caught up in feelings and hormones. He said he didn't see us being long term and basically that I deserved more. I didn't talk to him for weeks but then opened the door a little. I asked him about how school was going every once and awhile. Nothing big. We were at the wedding of other mutual friends and at the same table. Nothing big happened but we were a little flirty. And the male half of the couple we went camping with kept making comments to me about how I should go home with him and how we danced so well together. He even drove myself and the camping couple home. I thought ok...I could be friends with him.
A week later I found out from the male half of the camping couple that this assclown has a girlfriend. That he barely knows. Who lives on the other side of the ocean.
Game. Set. Match. The door is firmly closed. He is blocked on everything I could block him on. I don't want to see his name or hear it.
My camping friends (particularly the male) warned me constantly that this guy was messed up with relationships. He picks girls who are moving away or live away. Girls he can't have a real relationship with. He quits jobs just because he hates them without any backup. He needs someone elses advice to pick out clothes. Commitment phobe anyone.
I'm done with his game. He made me feel used. I should have trusted my own judgement. I do not intend on settling. Thank god he was not my first.
Then our mutual friends got married. On a cruise. And asked us both to go. And share a room. We both said yes and it was a bad idea (so very bad). We got along great, spend loads of time together, flirted, danced closely and had a ball. He also instigated a pillow fight one morning which lead to cuddling on the floor which lead to us making out for hours and me somehow loosing my shirt.
In the midst of the making out I told him that I was a virgin. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. Be honest. He then wouldn't have sex with me. Said I deserved more (which is true). Course the next morning and the next night (the last night of the vacation) we fooled around more. Still no sex...unless oral counts. First time I'd done that too.
We said good-bye the next day and I basically cried the whole way home. I imagined myself in love with him. I wanted to be with him. And I stupidly thought he wanted to be with me too.
For the next 3 months we chatted online (red flag) just about every day. After 2 months I found out that he had been accepted to medical school in the same town I live in. My excitement was tempered by the way I discovered it...on his newly created plenty of fish profile (red flag). Yet I had a profile too. And we still chatted everyday. I decided to wait until I
Looking back I should have known better. I certainly would have told friends to forget him. And that little voice inside me was telling me to forget him. I didn't listen.
He finally moved home a few days before my birthday. He came to my birthday party (late...red flag). He asked myself and our mutual friends to go camping. He asked me to help shop for the tent we shared. We flirted. He helped me shop for some camping gear later that week and once again we flirted, were playful, random touching. I thought he might kiss me...instead I he told me he wasn't interested in anything but being friends.
No...we can't be friends. I didn't slam the door right away although I claimed to. I told him the next day (in person) that I needed space to get over how I felt and if he cared at all he'd leave me alone. I asked him why it happened in the first place and he said we were having fun, flirting, getting along and got caught up in feelings and hormones. He said he didn't see us being long term and basically that I deserved more. I didn't talk to him for weeks but then opened the door a little. I asked him about how school was going every once and awhile. Nothing big. We were at the wedding of other mutual friends and at the same table. Nothing big happened but we were a little flirty. And the male half of the couple we went camping with kept making comments to me about how I should go home with him and how we danced so well together. He even drove myself and the camping couple home. I thought ok...I could be friends with him.
A week later I found out from the male half of the camping couple that this assclown has a girlfriend. That he barely knows. Who lives on the other side of the ocean.
Game. Set. Match. The door is firmly closed. He is blocked on everything I could block him on. I don't want to see his name or hear it.
My camping friends (particularly the male) warned me constantly that this guy was messed up with relationships. He picks girls who are moving away or live away. Girls he can't have a real relationship with. He quits jobs just because he hates them without any backup. He needs someone elses advice to pick out clothes. Commitment phobe anyone.
I'm done with his game. He made me feel used. I should have trusted my own judgement. I do not intend on settling. Thank god he was not my first.
The story so far....
So I'm 34...and I'm a virgin. I'm considered pretty, smart, sexy and funny. I don't have scales or warts or anything repelling. I'm a red head. Yet I'm never done the nasty.
No I'm not a prude either. The times I have made out with guys I enjoyed it. I'm not ashamed of my body (I worked damn hard at it the past 3 years). I watch porn. I pleasure myself....pretty regularly. Yet I've never had sex.
Why? I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship and I can't seem to find a guy to have a committed relationship with. Simple enough right? Frustrating...hell ya. Back in my early 20s when most of my peers were partying and meeting guys I had other things to deal with. First was my dad being sick and then passing away leaving me as my mom's only support. Then there was school and I was pretty serious about school. Then I had a friend who didn't like going out. And who had me thinking that I couldn't make friends let alone have a guy.
I've decided that I need help...serious help. I have trouble meeting men and if I do meet one I'm attracted to I turn redder than Rudolph.
No I'm not a prude either. The times I have made out with guys I enjoyed it. I'm not ashamed of my body (I worked damn hard at it the past 3 years). I watch porn. I pleasure myself....pretty regularly. Yet I've never had sex.
Why? I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship and I can't seem to find a guy to have a committed relationship with. Simple enough right? Frustrating...hell ya. Back in my early 20s when most of my peers were partying and meeting guys I had other things to deal with. First was my dad being sick and then passing away leaving me as my mom's only support. Then there was school and I was pretty serious about school. Then I had a friend who didn't like going out. And who had me thinking that I couldn't make friends let alone have a guy.
I've decided that I need help...serious help. I have trouble meeting men and if I do meet one I'm attracted to I turn redder than Rudolph.
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