This is a secret blog. Nobody I know are aware that it exists. I've had blogs before that were known (and read) by my family and friends and that's great. Problem is what I really wanted to talk about I didn't necessarily want to have my nearest and dearest read.
Most of my friends actually have no idea that I'm a virgin. I did tell some of them after what happened with Cruise guy (aka assclown) but some of them still have no idea. I have a dirty mind and cover well apparently.
Dating and sex were the things I wanted the freedom to talk about about muse about. Particularly now that I'm actually dating and (hopefully) will be ridding myself of my virginity soon. But I don't feel comfortable having my friends reading about my masturbation habits. Which is understandable I think. The obvious solution was the anonymous blog!
I thought about doing this before but didn't pull the trigger. After finding out about Cruise guy's Norwegian girlfriend I thought enough. Enough of waiting for some loser to come to me. Enough of thinking about someone who didn't deserve me. Enough of thinking that we were meant to be because he was the first guy to give me an orgasm. Its time to get out there and stop worrying. And have some fun! And have some sex already!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, 14 November 2011
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Keep Hanging on
I can't seem to figure out why I hang onto the idea of a potential relationship or dating partner or whatever long past when I should just let it go. I do eventually let it go but long after I know in my head that I should.
Case in point is D. We're both on pof and he wrote me a little over 2 weeks ago. We chatted back and forth on the site for a few days and it was great. Lots in common and he seemed like a nice normal guy. I gave him my email address to make chatting easier. At the time he was in a different province for work so I let not meeting go until he got back here. We continued to chat and it was still awesome. I decided I wanted to meet him and it seemed like he would want to meet me too.
Now he did try to start conversations about cuddling, etc pretty early after I gave him my email address. Lots of girls like the cuddling thing so I let it go really. Then last Friday night things escalated sexually online. I liked it so it wasn't bad or anything. He sent me a picture of his penis but told me I didn't have to look. I did. He wanted me to reciprocate and instead of immediately saying no I said that I'd consider it. Apparently that was the complete wrong thing to say. I actually did consider it and then thought better of it. Which I told him. And then he was a complete dick.
Saturday morning I wrote him saying that I wasn't looking for a fling or one night stand. That I was looking to date around and see if something leads to a relationship. I even told him I was a virgin although I have fooled around a little. A very little. I figured I'd put it all out there and see if he came back. He did which I took to be a good sign.
He came home last Sunday. We chatted on Sunday night and he was complaining about being lonely. He bemoaned other girls that have stood him up in the past. He told me a little about his relationship and sexual past. It seemed to be going ok. Then he asked me if I was lazy in bed. And how good I am at giving head.
WTF!
We were having a sensible conversation that somehow got steared that way. I once again told him I wasn't interested in a fling, one night stand, blah blah.
Then he said we were having too many misunderstandings and bickering to probably have anything. I said you don't know unless you meet me and that I'm not the type of girl to jerk guys around. Then he brought up the picture....again. I said that he can either meet me or not and that I was sorry about that.
It was one bloody misunderstanding. My take is that I'm afraid that a guy is only interested in sex (particularly online guys) and he's been hurt in the past. Ugh.
He did write me once since then. I wrote him back but nothing since then. Ass. I know I made mistakes and its all a learning process but damn I wanted to meet this guy. We did have lots in common and I think we would have gotten along well.
My head is telling me to move on but my heart is saying wait a little longer.
Case in point is D. We're both on pof and he wrote me a little over 2 weeks ago. We chatted back and forth on the site for a few days and it was great. Lots in common and he seemed like a nice normal guy. I gave him my email address to make chatting easier. At the time he was in a different province for work so I let not meeting go until he got back here. We continued to chat and it was still awesome. I decided I wanted to meet him and it seemed like he would want to meet me too.
Now he did try to start conversations about cuddling, etc pretty early after I gave him my email address. Lots of girls like the cuddling thing so I let it go really. Then last Friday night things escalated sexually online. I liked it so it wasn't bad or anything. He sent me a picture of his penis but told me I didn't have to look. I did. He wanted me to reciprocate and instead of immediately saying no I said that I'd consider it. Apparently that was the complete wrong thing to say. I actually did consider it and then thought better of it. Which I told him. And then he was a complete dick.
Saturday morning I wrote him saying that I wasn't looking for a fling or one night stand. That I was looking to date around and see if something leads to a relationship. I even told him I was a virgin although I have fooled around a little. A very little. I figured I'd put it all out there and see if he came back. He did which I took to be a good sign.
He came home last Sunday. We chatted on Sunday night and he was complaining about being lonely. He bemoaned other girls that have stood him up in the past. He told me a little about his relationship and sexual past. It seemed to be going ok. Then he asked me if I was lazy in bed. And how good I am at giving head.
WTF!
We were having a sensible conversation that somehow got steared that way. I once again told him I wasn't interested in a fling, one night stand, blah blah.
Then he said we were having too many misunderstandings and bickering to probably have anything. I said you don't know unless you meet me and that I'm not the type of girl to jerk guys around. Then he brought up the picture....again. I said that he can either meet me or not and that I was sorry about that.
It was one bloody misunderstanding. My take is that I'm afraid that a guy is only interested in sex (particularly online guys) and he's been hurt in the past. Ugh.
He did write me once since then. I wrote him back but nothing since then. Ass. I know I made mistakes and its all a learning process but damn I wanted to meet this guy. We did have lots in common and I think we would have gotten along well.
My head is telling me to move on but my heart is saying wait a little longer.
Monday, 7 November 2011
Some people's youngsters!
So I was chatting to Mr Penis pic again last night. I told him on Sat morning that I wasn't some skank who was just going to sleep with him and I was looking to date around right now and would like a relationship to develop with someone (not necessarily him). He wrote me after so I went with it.
He was complaining about being lonely. That nobody picked him up at the airport, that he had to eat alone and basically that he was lonely. He told me that his mother gave him the brush off when he was home. I felt bad for him.
I think this is his game.
Somehow things got around to sex....again. He told me that I should know that even though he hasn't had a girlfriend in the last 6 years he has dated and had sex. He estimated around 15 girls in that time. I said that the past is the past as long as he's clean. I thought it was good that he shared this information. Its stuff one should know really.
Then he asked me how good I was at giving head. Yes I'm serious. I replied that I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand. Then he got defensive. I said that I didn't want the first guy I slept with to take off right after. He knows I'm a virgin. Once again he was defensive and again brought up that he thought I was going to send him some boobie shots after he sent me his penis shot. I already apologized for that misunderstanding. He thinks there have been too many misunderstandings (really its just the one that keeps happening). I told him that online communication is made for misunderstandings and either take a chance and meet me or that;s it.
Verdict is that he wants to get in my pants.
I might let him yet....the picture was impressive. And I need this cherry popped already.
He was complaining about being lonely. That nobody picked him up at the airport, that he had to eat alone and basically that he was lonely. He told me that his mother gave him the brush off when he was home. I felt bad for him.
I think this is his game.
Somehow things got around to sex....again. He told me that I should know that even though he hasn't had a girlfriend in the last 6 years he has dated and had sex. He estimated around 15 girls in that time. I said that the past is the past as long as he's clean. I thought it was good that he shared this information. Its stuff one should know really.
Then he asked me how good I was at giving head. Yes I'm serious. I replied that I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand. Then he got defensive. I said that I didn't want the first guy I slept with to take off right after. He knows I'm a virgin. Once again he was defensive and again brought up that he thought I was going to send him some boobie shots after he sent me his penis shot. I already apologized for that misunderstanding. He thinks there have been too many misunderstandings (really its just the one that keeps happening). I told him that online communication is made for misunderstandings and either take a chance and meet me or that;s it.
Verdict is that he wants to get in my pants.
I might let him yet....the picture was impressive. And I need this cherry popped already.
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Blunt Honesty
So I met this one guy online that I really kinda liked. We had the same interests and I really really want to meet him. Or I did anyways.
We've been chatting online all week. He's been away all week for work. A few days after we started chatting he started talking about cuddling, etc and I wasn't comfortable talking like that to someone I didn't really know. Which I told him. I'm not sure if he got the reason or not. He said that he was basically tired of girls who weren't interested in him physically. I think he's been burned by the friend zone before.
Last night things went a little too far. Our conversation got extremely heated. Extremely. He sent a photo. I did not reciprocate. Unfortunately by saying I was considering it I was teasing and leading him on. I said I just wasn't comfortable sending that type of photo to someone I didn't know.
Today I was as blunt and honest as I could be. I told him that I have very little experience, I was burned by someone who only wanted to fool around before and that I was a virgin. He seemed to be alright with that. I also told him that I wasn't a skank and wasn't looking for a one night stand or a fling. He clarified that I was looking for a 1 on 1 relationship. I said for now I'm looking to date but eventually that's what I want with somebody.
I haven't heard from him since.
I think I was right and he was looking for sex. Which is too bad really. The picture he sent me certainly turned this girl on. But that's not the type of thing I want. I have too much respect for myself to sleep with any dude. If I wanted to just have sex I could pick someone up downtown.
We've been chatting online all week. He's been away all week for work. A few days after we started chatting he started talking about cuddling, etc and I wasn't comfortable talking like that to someone I didn't really know. Which I told him. I'm not sure if he got the reason or not. He said that he was basically tired of girls who weren't interested in him physically. I think he's been burned by the friend zone before.
Last night things went a little too far. Our conversation got extremely heated. Extremely. He sent a photo. I did not reciprocate. Unfortunately by saying I was considering it I was teasing and leading him on. I said I just wasn't comfortable sending that type of photo to someone I didn't know.
Today I was as blunt and honest as I could be. I told him that I have very little experience, I was burned by someone who only wanted to fool around before and that I was a virgin. He seemed to be alright with that. I also told him that I wasn't a skank and wasn't looking for a one night stand or a fling. He clarified that I was looking for a 1 on 1 relationship. I said for now I'm looking to date but eventually that's what I want with somebody.
I haven't heard from him since.
I think I was right and he was looking for sex. Which is too bad really. The picture he sent me certainly turned this girl on. But that's not the type of thing I want. I have too much respect for myself to sleep with any dude. If I wanted to just have sex I could pick someone up downtown.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Rehash the recent past
A year ago I got myself entangled with a real assclown. He's a friend of a friend. I met him a few times last fall and I can't lie...I felt butterflies. I was definitely attracted to him. My friends said he seemed attracted to me as well. But he lived in a different city and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship.
Then our mutual friends got married. On a cruise. And asked us both to go. And share a room. We both said yes and it was a bad idea (so very bad). We got along great, spend loads of time together, flirted, danced closely and had a ball. He also instigated a pillow fight one morning which lead to cuddling on the floor which lead to us making out for hours and me somehow loosing my shirt.
In the midst of the making out I told him that I was a virgin. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. Be honest. He then wouldn't have sex with me. Said I deserved more (which is true). Course the next morning and the next night (the last night of the vacation) we fooled around more. Still no sex...unless oral counts. First time I'd done that too.
We said good-bye the next day and I basically cried the whole way home. I imagined myself in love with him. I wanted to be with him. And I stupidly thought he wanted to be with me too.
For the next 3 months we chatted online (red flag) just about every day. After 2 months I found out that he had been accepted to medical school in the same town I live in. My excitement was tempered by the way I discovered it...on his newly created plenty of fish profile (red flag). Yet I had a profile too. And we still chatted everyday. I decided to wait until I
Looking back I should have known better. I certainly would have told friends to forget him. And that little voice inside me was telling me to forget him. I didn't listen.
He finally moved home a few days before my birthday. He came to my birthday party (late...red flag). He asked myself and our mutual friends to go camping. He asked me to help shop for the tent we shared. We flirted. He helped me shop for some camping gear later that week and once again we flirted, were playful, random touching. I thought he might kiss me...instead I he told me he wasn't interested in anything but being friends.
No...we can't be friends. I didn't slam the door right away although I claimed to. I told him the next day (in person) that I needed space to get over how I felt and if he cared at all he'd leave me alone. I asked him why it happened in the first place and he said we were having fun, flirting, getting along and got caught up in feelings and hormones. He said he didn't see us being long term and basically that I deserved more. I didn't talk to him for weeks but then opened the door a little. I asked him about how school was going every once and awhile. Nothing big. We were at the wedding of other mutual friends and at the same table. Nothing big happened but we were a little flirty. And the male half of the couple we went camping with kept making comments to me about how I should go home with him and how we danced so well together. He even drove myself and the camping couple home. I thought ok...I could be friends with him.
A week later I found out from the male half of the camping couple that this assclown has a girlfriend. That he barely knows. Who lives on the other side of the ocean.
Game. Set. Match. The door is firmly closed. He is blocked on everything I could block him on. I don't want to see his name or hear it.
My camping friends (particularly the male) warned me constantly that this guy was messed up with relationships. He picks girls who are moving away or live away. Girls he can't have a real relationship with. He quits jobs just because he hates them without any backup. He needs someone elses advice to pick out clothes. Commitment phobe anyone.
I'm done with his game. He made me feel used. I should have trusted my own judgement. I do not intend on settling. Thank god he was not my first.
Then our mutual friends got married. On a cruise. And asked us both to go. And share a room. We both said yes and it was a bad idea (so very bad). We got along great, spend loads of time together, flirted, danced closely and had a ball. He also instigated a pillow fight one morning which lead to cuddling on the floor which lead to us making out for hours and me somehow loosing my shirt.
In the midst of the making out I told him that I was a virgin. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. Be honest. He then wouldn't have sex with me. Said I deserved more (which is true). Course the next morning and the next night (the last night of the vacation) we fooled around more. Still no sex...unless oral counts. First time I'd done that too.
We said good-bye the next day and I basically cried the whole way home. I imagined myself in love with him. I wanted to be with him. And I stupidly thought he wanted to be with me too.
For the next 3 months we chatted online (red flag) just about every day. After 2 months I found out that he had been accepted to medical school in the same town I live in. My excitement was tempered by the way I discovered it...on his newly created plenty of fish profile (red flag). Yet I had a profile too. And we still chatted everyday. I decided to wait until I
Looking back I should have known better. I certainly would have told friends to forget him. And that little voice inside me was telling me to forget him. I didn't listen.
He finally moved home a few days before my birthday. He came to my birthday party (late...red flag). He asked myself and our mutual friends to go camping. He asked me to help shop for the tent we shared. We flirted. He helped me shop for some camping gear later that week and once again we flirted, were playful, random touching. I thought he might kiss me...instead I he told me he wasn't interested in anything but being friends.
No...we can't be friends. I didn't slam the door right away although I claimed to. I told him the next day (in person) that I needed space to get over how I felt and if he cared at all he'd leave me alone. I asked him why it happened in the first place and he said we were having fun, flirting, getting along and got caught up in feelings and hormones. He said he didn't see us being long term and basically that I deserved more. I didn't talk to him for weeks but then opened the door a little. I asked him about how school was going every once and awhile. Nothing big. We were at the wedding of other mutual friends and at the same table. Nothing big happened but we were a little flirty. And the male half of the couple we went camping with kept making comments to me about how I should go home with him and how we danced so well together. He even drove myself and the camping couple home. I thought ok...I could be friends with him.
A week later I found out from the male half of the camping couple that this assclown has a girlfriend. That he barely knows. Who lives on the other side of the ocean.
Game. Set. Match. The door is firmly closed. He is blocked on everything I could block him on. I don't want to see his name or hear it.
My camping friends (particularly the male) warned me constantly that this guy was messed up with relationships. He picks girls who are moving away or live away. Girls he can't have a real relationship with. He quits jobs just because he hates them without any backup. He needs someone elses advice to pick out clothes. Commitment phobe anyone.
I'm done with his game. He made me feel used. I should have trusted my own judgement. I do not intend on settling. Thank god he was not my first.
The story so far....
So I'm 34...and I'm a virgin. I'm considered pretty, smart, sexy and funny. I don't have scales or warts or anything repelling. I'm a red head. Yet I'm never done the nasty.
No I'm not a prude either. The times I have made out with guys I enjoyed it. I'm not ashamed of my body (I worked damn hard at it the past 3 years). I watch porn. I pleasure myself....pretty regularly. Yet I've never had sex.
Why? I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship and I can't seem to find a guy to have a committed relationship with. Simple enough right? Frustrating...hell ya. Back in my early 20s when most of my peers were partying and meeting guys I had other things to deal with. First was my dad being sick and then passing away leaving me as my mom's only support. Then there was school and I was pretty serious about school. Then I had a friend who didn't like going out. And who had me thinking that I couldn't make friends let alone have a guy.
I've decided that I need help...serious help. I have trouble meeting men and if I do meet one I'm attracted to I turn redder than Rudolph.
No I'm not a prude either. The times I have made out with guys I enjoyed it. I'm not ashamed of my body (I worked damn hard at it the past 3 years). I watch porn. I pleasure myself....pretty regularly. Yet I've never had sex.
Why? I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship and I can't seem to find a guy to have a committed relationship with. Simple enough right? Frustrating...hell ya. Back in my early 20s when most of my peers were partying and meeting guys I had other things to deal with. First was my dad being sick and then passing away leaving me as my mom's only support. Then there was school and I was pretty serious about school. Then I had a friend who didn't like going out. And who had me thinking that I couldn't make friends let alone have a guy.
I've decided that I need help...serious help. I have trouble meeting men and if I do meet one I'm attracted to I turn redder than Rudolph.
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