So Why the Blog

This is a secret blog.  Nobody I know are aware that it exists.  I've had blogs before that were known (and read) by my family and friends and that's great.  Problem is what I really wanted to talk about I didn't necessarily want to have my nearest and dearest read.

Most of my friends actually have no idea that I'm a virgin.  I did tell some of them after what happened with Cruise guy (aka assclown) but some of them still have no idea.  I have a dirty mind and cover well apparently.

Dating and sex were the things I wanted the freedom to talk about about muse about.  Particularly now that I'm actually dating and (hopefully) will be ridding myself of my virginity soon.  But I don't feel comfortable having my friends reading about my masturbation habits.  Which is understandable I think.  The obvious solution was the anonymous blog!

I thought about doing this before but didn't pull the trigger.  After finding out about Cruise guy's Norwegian girlfriend I thought enough.  Enough of waiting for some loser to come to me.  Enough of thinking about someone who didn't deserve me.  Enough of thinking that we were meant to be because he was the first guy to give me an orgasm.  Its time to get out there and stop worrying.  And have some fun!  And have some sex already!

What a girl wants

We all have our list.  What we are looking for in a partner.  Some people want someone with a good job who makes buckets of money.  Some people want someone to make them laugh.  One of my friends wants someone who is comfortable with her drive and success.

What do I want?

Its changed over the years.

I want someone with a career.  I don't really care what that career is as long as its legal and respectable.  I am not a sugar mama.

I want someone who can make me laugh.  I am a moody person who can swing one way or the other at the drop of a hat sometimes.  I need someone who can recognize when I need to laugh and make that happen.

I want someone who loves me.  To hold me at night and listen to me.  I want someone who I can depend on when times get tough.  I've been in tough times and I've never really had anyone to lean on....I've been the person getting leaned on.  I don't mind doing that but it would be nice to have someone be there for me every once and awhile.

I want someone to look at me the way that my best friend's husband looks at her.  Like she's the best thing that's ever happened to him and he's the luckiest guy in the world because he's with her.

And as a bonus I'd really like him to be able to dance.  Doesn't have to be well!

Nice butt would be good too :P

Keep Hanging on

I can't seem to figure out why I hang onto the idea of a potential relationship or dating partner or whatever long past when I should just let it go.  I do eventually let it go but long after I know in my head that I should.

Case in point is D.  We're both on pof and he wrote me a little over 2 weeks ago.  We chatted back and forth on the site for a few days and it was great.  Lots in common and he seemed like a nice normal guy.  I gave him my email address to make chatting easier.  At the time he was in a different province for work so I let not meeting go until he got back here.  We continued to chat and it was still awesome.  I decided I wanted to meet him and it seemed like he would want to meet me too.

Now he did try to start conversations about cuddling, etc pretty early after I gave him my email address.  Lots of girls like the cuddling thing so I let it go really.  Then last Friday night things escalated sexually online.  I liked it so it wasn't bad or anything.  He sent me a picture of his penis but told me I didn't have to look.  I did.  He wanted me to reciprocate and instead of immediately saying no I said that I'd consider it.  Apparently that was the complete wrong thing to say.  I actually did consider it and then thought better of it.  Which I told him.  And then he was a complete dick.

Saturday morning I wrote him saying that I wasn't looking for a fling or one night stand.  That I was looking to date around and see if something leads to a relationship.  I even told him I was a virgin although I have fooled around a little.  A very little.  I figured I'd put it all out there and see if he came back.  He did which I took to be a good sign.

He came home last Sunday.  We chatted on Sunday night and he was complaining about being lonely.  He bemoaned other girls that have stood him up in the past.  He told me a little about his relationship and sexual past.  It seemed to be going ok.  Then he asked me if I was lazy in bed.  And how good I am at giving head.

WTF! 

We were having a sensible conversation that somehow got steared that way.  I once again told him I wasn't interested in a fling, one night stand, blah blah.

Then he said we were having too many misunderstandings and bickering to probably have anything.  I said you don't know unless you meet me and that I'm not the type of girl to jerk guys around.  Then he brought up the picture....again.  I said that he can either meet me or not and that I was sorry about that.

It was one bloody misunderstanding.  My take is that I'm afraid that a guy is only interested in sex (particularly online guys) and he's been hurt in the past.  Ugh.

He did write me once since then.  I wrote him back but nothing since then.  Ass.  I know I made mistakes and its all a learning process but damn I wanted to meet this guy.  We did have lots in common and I think we would have gotten along well.

My head is telling me to move on but my heart is saying wait a little longer.

What was he thinking!

Just on pof and saw this profile...its too funny not to share.

Username:  Cumstain
Title:  I'm what perfection strives to me
Profession: chronic masturbater

About Me
i like stuff, some stuff is more fun than other stuff. i'm more interested in the funner stuff because i likes to have fun. I'm also prone to crying, i'm too sensitive for my own good and people end up making fun of me for it and that makes me cry even more. the cycle continues forever :'(

First Date
i'd probably get tight in the pants really quickly and be done before you even know it.


I don't think I'm going to respond to this one...

10 Things I Love

1.  My hair.  I'm a ginger and wouldn't want to be anything else :)
2.  My butt.  I've worked damn hard for my bum.  Those squats and lunges weren't for nothing!
3.  My brain.  I'm smart and I'm a geek.  If a guy can't deal he can gtf.
4.  Dancing.  I live to dance and random dancing is common at my house.
5.  Burlesque.  Yes its a type of dancing but its a new activity I'm doing and its great.  Getting more in touch with my sexy self.
6.  Star Trek.  I did mention I'm a geek...
7.  ONTD.  The celebrities are disposable.  The gossip is priceless.  ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com
8.  My friends.  They are seriously the best bunch of people.
9.  My mom.  Corny but without her support I don't know where I'd me
10.  MYSELF!  Really if I don't love me...who else will?

The Body

Its an unsettling feeling to get more attention from men after losing a great deal of weight.   It shouldn't surprise me but somehow it just confirms what I thought all along.  And it saddens me.

Over the years I've been up and down with my weight but I've never been what one would consider skinny.  My first dabble in Weight Watchers was for my prom when the biggest size available in the dress I wanted was a 14.  It fit but I was squeezed in so I lost 10-15 lbs in time for prom.

Then I gained it back.  Plus more (of course!)

I got serious about losing weight after I finished my first degree.  I had 4 months between finishing and starting a job so I had time to cook and exercise.  I got down to about 155lbs and a size 10.  Not bad!  I felt great.  And I actually kept it off for a few years.

Then I had the year from hell and gained it back.  Plus more.  Surprise!

I lost weight again when I met J.  Him and I were friends but I was attracted to him like mad.  I think it was the guitar/singing things...he played for me all the time when we were alone.  Nothing ever happened.  But I was too nervous to eat and actually lost 30lbs without trying.

Of course I gained it back.

3 years ago I started on the path again.  I started a regular exercise class, started running and eating right.  Its been a slow process but I've gone from around 215 to 160.  I have clothes in my closet that are a size 8!  Never thought that would happen.

Which brings me back around to men.  I've noticed I definitely get more looks when I go out now then I did before.  Its flattering but unsettling as I'm the same person.  My inside self hasn't changed.  I still like video games, Star Trek, having random dance parties and playing board games.   I'm still a ginger.

But I guess I can enjoy the attention.  My body isn't perfect but I've worked hard to get it. :)

Some people's youngsters!

So I was chatting to Mr Penis pic again last night.  I told him on Sat morning that I wasn't some skank who was just going to sleep with him and I was looking to date around right now and would like a relationship to develop with someone (not necessarily him).  He wrote me after so I went with it.

He was complaining about being lonely.  That nobody picked him up at the airport, that he had to eat alone and basically that he was lonely.  He told me that his mother gave him the brush off when he was home. I felt bad for him.

I think this is his game.

Somehow things got around to sex....again.  He told me that I should know that even though he hasn't had a girlfriend in the last 6 years he has dated and had sex.  He estimated around 15 girls in that time.  I said that the past is the past as long as he's clean.  I thought it was good that he shared this information.  Its stuff one should know really.

Then he asked me how good I was at giving head.  Yes I'm serious.  I replied that I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand.  Then he got defensive.  I said that I didn't want the first guy I slept with to take off right after.  He knows I'm a virgin.  Once again he was defensive and again brought up that he thought I was going to send him some boobie shots after he sent me his penis shot.  I already apologized for that misunderstanding.  He thinks there have been too many misunderstandings (really its just the one that keeps happening).  I told him that online communication is made for misunderstandings and either take a chance and meet me or that;s it.

Verdict is that he wants to get in my pants.

I might let him yet....the picture was impressive.  And I need this cherry popped already.